I don't drink alcohol. I don't smoke or chew. I don't do drugs. I don't even drink energy drinks, pop or coffee.
I
don't look at pornography. I don't play World of Warcraft or any video
games, for that matter. I don't gamble. I don't spend a whole lot of
time on social network sites.
I don't do any of these things
because leaders in the church have warned against them because of their
addictive nature. That being said, I was surprised to be told that I
have an unhealthy addiction.
In 1996 my
brothers and I came home from Thanksgiving with a book from my Uncle
Jay: The 1996 Fantasy Football Draft Guide. He told us the basics of it
and my dad, too, so he could help and participate. We had a draft, my
dad made a spreadsheet on our word processor that would calculate our
team's points and we were set to go.
With the exception
of the two years I spent on my mission, I have played fantasy football
every year. Over the years we have moved past the word processor and
rooms filled with friends and on to online drafting and scoring. We've
also moved from the booklet we got from Jay to magazines to today's
world of weekly and daily online analysis. We've also moved on from
football to other sports, including my absolute favorite--baseball.
I
love baseball, I have all my life. I collected baseball cards,
memorized statistics and lineups, been to numerous major and
minor-league games, and a few years ago I began playing fantasy
baseball. I put just as much preparation into the draft as I would for
fantasy football, however, the draft was quite a bit longer to fill a
big roster. I noticed quickly that to win you had to pay attention to
your team every day because unlike football, games happen seven days a
week rather than three. During a summer of unemployment I can tell in
perfect hindsight that I was spending too much time on it.
The
next year my preparations began earlier, became fanatical even, but I
only saw it as an enjoyable hobby. I was good at sorting through the
stats and making predictions and moves and developing strategies for
drafting and weekly matchups. My third year I became a little more
obsessed, even listened to daily podcasts. I never thought for a second
that I was addicted, but my thoughts were too often thinking about
possible transactions, the first thing I did every morning was open the
computer to check stats from late night games the waiver wire, and I got
way too excited and made way too much preparations for the draft.
My
biggest hint that I should drop the habit was that Courtney didn't like
it. She was uncomfortable with how much time I spent on it, and my
reaction only proved how concerned she should be. Instead of cutting
back, I just tried to hide it. I justified it because I thought that it
was a) not that bad and b) not hurting Courtney if I only did it when
she wasn't around or awake. In my mind I was just being polite and not
bothering her with it, but let's be honest, I was in hiding.
I
also decided to be in two leagues, which was really stupid, and I knew
it was, but I did it anyways. I spent more time than ever prepping for
the drafts because I wouldn't be able to attend them and then I did
participate in one of them--while we were on vacation visiting my
family. At that point Courtney confronted me about her concerns. I
acknowledged them...but I didn't quit. I decided that I would only give
myself one time in the day to check on my teams and leagues online, and
that I wouldn't read online articles or blogs, and I thought that would
do it for me. But my thoughts went to it, and I began to read online
analysis, and I got sloppy hiding my computer time, which is what
brought up the final talk with Courtney. We looked at my behavior, and
sure enough, it is best described as addictive. I told her that night
that I could drop it. That I'll not take another look at fantasy
baseball from that point on. And I didn't, I have been true to my word.
The
most deceptive part of addiction is believing that you are in control. I
never believed that my participation controlled me but at the same time
I allowed thoughts to entertain my mind any time they entered. For some
reason I thought that I had great self control because I wasn't as bad
as some other fanatic, but in reality I could get worse and worse and
still say the same thing. In reality I was no different than the
Lamanite commander Lehonti. Lehonti and his men did not want to fight
the Nephites and stationed themselves atop a mount. Amalickiah sent to
him to come down from the mount to persuade him to go to war, and after a
number of invitations he finally folded by coming down and capturing
Amalickiah and his men. Although Lehonti thought he was in control of
the situation he had come down from his place of protection and let the
genuinely wicked Lehonti into his life by making him his second
commander. This is the beginning of addictive behaviors. We do not
always realize how dangerous they are because we feel in control, but we
have given up our higher ground in order to take part in the behavior,
which eventually puts us on the path Lehonti is famous for:
18 And it came to pass that Amalickiah caused that one of his servants should administer poison by degrees to Lehonti, that he died.
Joining
the ranks of fantasy baseball not only seemed harmless, but was
empowering. I can be extremely competitive in sports and games, and I
was really good at this. And just like Lehonti before me, I thought I
had won and was confident enough to let it poison me by degrees. The
Amalickiahs of life can be very sneaky, and extremely treacherous. I
never would have thought that I'd find myself addicted to playing that
game, but now I realize that it's a point of weakness, and I'm better
off avoiding it altogether than put myself in position to let it control
me again. I have to stay rooted in higher places, giving myself better
things to do with my time (like writing posts for this blog, for
example).
Accepting help from others is an important
part of addiction recovery. I am sure that most people feel like I do
about it, embarrased and stubburn. Support groups serve an important
purpose, however, in the path to recovery. Four years ago, for my
substance abuse course in college, I attended an Alcoholics Anonymous
meeting. It was a borderline spiritual experience for me, and I wasn't
even an alcoholic. I could tell that the people there needed each
other--both the sponsers and those still working at it-- to make it
along their journey (You can read more about my experience
here).
While Alcoholic's Anonymous is an outstanding organization, the
church's addiction recovery program is certainly more centered on the
healing power of the atonement.
While I would say the addictive
power of my fantasy baseball habit was nothing compared to heroin, for
example, I still had a habit that I need changed. It's hard to change
our thought patterns. As ridiculous as it sounds, I still remember many
of the players I drafted this year for my fantasy baseball teams and
have to stop myself from checking up on their statistics. As hard as it
may be to rewire my mind, I know that it's possible, but I also know
that if I try and go it alone it will be hopeless. Confidence is
important, but trying to independently battle demons of addiction is
foolish. Only with the Lord and the support of those who love us (who he
has sent to us) do I have any hope in getting better--do
we have
any hope in getting better. The twelve step program is not just about
overcoming addiction, it is a model of behavior change and repentance,
which we all need to do in our pathways of discipleship. Some changes
take longer than others, but as we work through things together, we can
have hope that we will overcome.
